Life of a Foster Parent
At first glance, a day in the life of a foster parent may look similar to that of parents bringing up children of their own; from school drop-offs to after-school activities, there is never a dull moment. Fostering is rewarding but comes with unique challenges. Whether it be behaviour, family time arrangements or saying goodbye, here are our tips for managing and overcoming foster parent challenges.
Adapting to a New Family Dynamic
When you welcome a child into your home, there will be a period of adjustment for the whole family. Not only must you adapt to having another person in your home, but your schedule will change to include school drop-offs, meetings, appointments, contact arrangements and any specialist services you access to support the child you foster.
Your foster child will need time to settle in and could feel particularly anxious and frightened about living with a new family. If you live in a different area to their birth family, they will need time to get to know the area and adjust to life without seeing them every day.
Our tips for adapting to a new family dynamic and helping your foster child settle in:
- Create a routine – routine offers stability to the children you care for, alleviating anxiety because they know what to expect. For you as a foster parent, a solid routine and organised calendar can help you feel less overwhelmed and more in control of your schedule.
- Personalise their bedroom – when a child moves in, you will have already prepared their bedroom, but to help them feel more comfortable and at home, let them personalise it with a colour theme and furnishings so it really feels like theirs. Shopping for their bedroom and decorating it together will help you to get to know each other.
- Likes and dislikes – Learning a child’s preferences will demonstrate you care about them as an individual and can help avoid challenging scenarios, such as preparing a meal they won’t eat or organising an activity they won’t participate in.
- Chore chart – don’t be afraid to ask your foster child to do chores like feeding the dog or washing up. Not only will this reduce your workload and encourage a sense of responsibility, but doing chores like every other family member will ensure they know they are part of the family.
- Family fun – take a break from your to-do list and plan a day trip, attend an event, or organise an activity to bond as a family and make new positive memories.
- Give them space – when your foster child first comes to live with you, they may miss their family and struggle to open up to you. Give them time and space to familiarise themselves with their new situation, letting them know you are there for them when they are ready to talk.
- Tap into support – at FCA, you won’t walk your fostering journey alone; you’ll receive support from your supervising social worker, experienced foster parents, fostering specialists and more. We also operate a 24/7 helpline, so day or night, you can count on us.
Managing Behaviour
Whether it be anger outbursts or a refusal to go to school, when you foster a child, they may exhibit behaviour that you find challenging. Many children in care are living with trauma due to adverse childhood experiences, such as abuse and neglect. Childhood trauma has a significant effect on a child’s well-being and can impact their behaviour and ability to regulate their emotions.
At FCA, we believe in therapeutic fostering, a holistic approach that puts children at the centre of their care and surrounds them with specialist support, including trauma-informed foster parents. Our training for foster parents will equip you to look beyond and understand a child’s behaviour so you can provide appropriate support, manage behaviour and help children heal from their trauma.
When you join FCA, you become part of a community of fostering professionals who dedicate their lives to improving the outcomes for children and young people in care. Our Team Parenting model ensures you have access to therapists, educational advisors, social workers, and more when and if needed. We also host peer support groups, family events and activities where you can build connections, share experiences and hone your skills.
Our tips for managing behaviour:
- Make the most of training – we provide the training, but it is up to you to be present, take notes and ask questions.
- Reach out for support – if you need advice, reach out to friends you’ve made in the peer support groups; they may be able to recommend strategies that have worked for them. You can also talk to your supervising social worker, who can help you access further training and specialist support.
- Slow down – when your foster child expresses big feelings, slow down your response. PACE, which stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy, is a fantastic tool that helps you respond thoughtfully to big feelings rather than react. It means being curious about what’s upsetting your foster child, accepting the reason behind their behaviour and showing empathy by working through it together.
Nurturing Academic Growth
As a foster parent, you’ll be responsible for nurturing your foster child’s academic growth whilst they are living with you. For children living with trauma, however, school can be a triggering and anxiety-inducing place. They may struggle to regulate their emotions and find the classroom overwhelming. They may be behind their peers at school due to the impact trauma has on cognitive function and have difficulties making friends and interacting with teachers due to mistrust. These factors can make nurturing their academic growth challenging.
Our tips for nurturing academic growth:
- Talk to them – if your foster child is skipping school or exhibiting big feelings about going to school, talk to them. Try to find out why they don’t want to attend so you can create a plan to support them.
- Talk to the school – ask the school if there are any reasonable adjustments they can make to help your foster child feel safe in the school environment. If they fall behind, see if the school offers after-school homework clubs or one-to-one tutoring.
- Set expectations – work with your foster child to set an achievable goal. For example, if they have been skipping school, the goal could be to attend three days a week, and this could increase as time goes on.
- Homework – make completing homework part of your foster child’s routine. If you have emails to catch up on or admin to do, work alongside your foster child so you are available to help them if and when needed.
- Activities – extra-curricular activities and school trips give children a break from the classroom and an opportunity to learn subjects differently. Encourage your foster child to attend; they may discover a new passion.
- Education support – from education-specific training to supporting children with transitions to secondary school, our education leads are prepared to help you and your foster child get the most out of their education.
Navigating Family Time
Whether you are short-term fostering a child or long-term, the goal of many placements is reunification with their birth families. Facilitating family time will be part of your role and can sometimes be challenging. Your foster child may regress after seeing their family or feel upset that they can’t spend more time with them. Some families will be grateful that you are looking after their child, while others may seem resentful.
Our tips for navigating family time:
- Listen to your foster child; they may have mixed emotions about seeing their family. If they are anxious, focus on the positives, such as playing with their pets and remind them that you will be by their side throughout.
- Give your foster child time to process their feelings before and after seeing their family, assessing whether you and your social worker need to review their contact plan.
- Preparation is key to making the most of family time, so ensure your foster child knows where and when they will see their family. You could mark it on a household calendar and encourage them to prepare a letter or drawing to take with them.
- Plan an activity for the same day in case plans fall through or if their family are a no-show.
- Ensure you communicate with your supervising social worker about any venue or time changes for family time.
- If tensions arise during family time, stay calm and use your training to manage the situation.
Saying Goodbye
When you welcome a child into your home and spend time nurturing a relationship with them, it can be hard to say goodbye when the placement ends. Whether your foster child is returning to their birth family or leaving care, they may also feel a sense of loss because you’ve become a place of safety for them.
Our tips for saying goodbye:
- Talk to your foster child about the upcoming changes. Ask them how they are feeling and spend some time reflecting on the journey you have been on together.
- Give your foster child something to remember you by, such as a photo album or scrapbook of your time together.
- Plan a day out, a fun activity or a special meal to celebrate their new chapter.
- Lean on other foster parents for support. We also provide aftercare support groups where you can share thoughts and feelings about your foster child moving on.
- Remember that even if your foster child was only with you for a short time, you have made a lasting positive difference in their lives.
If you’d like to make a difference to children in care by becoming a foster parent and would like advice on the application process or challenges you could face, get in touch.
